Humor

ANDY ROONIES VERSION
OF WOMEN OVER 60

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 60.

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 60 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 60 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 60 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 60 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 60.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 60 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 60 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well coiffed, hot woman over 60, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Posted: 08-01-10

AUGUST 2010 FUNNIES - SO TRUE

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the h#ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the Person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my @$$ everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time

Posted: 08/01/10

AUGUST 2010 FUNNIES JOKES
OF THE MONTH

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business

Two men were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

THE THREE-GAL REUNION

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via FaceBook and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willie.

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha admits - that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Posted: 08-01-10

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ANDY ROONIES VERSIONOF WOMEN OVER 60

AUGUST 2010 FUNNIES - SO TRUE

AUGUST 2010 FUNNIES JOKESOF THE MONTH

THE THREE-GAL REUNION

SEND TOWN BIZ 101 YOUR HUMOROUS JOKES

ANDY ROONIES VERSION
OF WOMEN OVER 60

AUGUST 2010 FUNNIES JOKES
OF THE MONTH